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2013 In Summary

January 2, 2014

Now is the time of year that people resolve themselves to unreasonable goals which they’re unlikely to achieve, as if the change of the calendar actually means something. I have never understood this phenomenon or why people put themselves through it.

If new year’s resolutions work for you, congratulations, but most people are just setting themselves up for failure, continuing an annual vicious cycle of half hearted achievements that spiral into boredom and inevitably lands them in a pint of Ben and Jerry’s. Then they feel no better for it, so what’s the point?

At any rate I clearly don’t do resolutions however I have been doing a lot of reflecting in the last year because a great deal has happened and I feel that even without resolving myself to change, I have changed and my perspective of the world has changed as well.

2013 was my first full year as a parent and I have enjoyed all of it. I wouldn’t trade a single poop filled screaming moment. She won’t be little forever, and I am ever mindful of how fortunate I am to be able to be home with her, watching her grow and develop. Observing as new facets of her personality rise to the surface while nurturing her budding interests to the best of my ability.

I read somewhere that (paraphrasing) “Raising a child of your own is your second chance at having a happy childhood” and I have discovered that the sentiment is entirely accurate. I feel like giving her the love, support and security that I lacked as a child is inadvertently healing my own wounds.

My daughter has melted and exposed parts of me that I’d locked away and forgot I ever had. In being a parent I’m remembering things about myself and my own childhood that I’d worked very hard to push to the back of my mind for over half of my life and though it’s been intense, I’m gradually coming to terms with it all. Every day I can feel myself growing with her and I’ve never known such unadulterated joy as I do when I’m just being Mama.

In January 2013 my biological mother passed away. Her death was unexpected (as I hadn’t spoken to her in nearly 10 years) and when I was informed, a weight that I didn’t even realize I was still carrying was lifted from me. I cried tears of relief and I felt guilt about feeling nothing for her at all at first, but then after having some time to process what had happened, I realized my lack of feeling for her as my mother came from an honest place and that it was OK. It has become abundantly clear to me, especially since having my own daughter that the unforgivable abuse my mother put me through for 14 years was beyond wrong and I owe her nothing. I don’t hate her, I don’t forgive her, I nothing her.

In March 2013 my wonderful husband and I celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary by turning a big cardboard box from Amazon into a play house for our daughter. First we threw some ideas back and forth, then we went to the store to pick up some super cheap supplies, and finally we spent a romantic evening crawling around the living room until midnight with glue, box cutters and wrapping paper because, that’s how we roll. 9 months later, the cardboard house is still standing.

In April 2013 I realized that I am fine the way I am. I’ve always considered myself to be so flawed. Not because I’m grossly overweight (which I totally am) or because my house has never been spotless, but because I am frankly just not like most people and I typically have trouble relating to others at anything but a superficial level. I don’t cope well in large or crowded social situations. I don’t think the way that most people do. I don’t react the way most people would in various circumstances. I can fake the way I’m expected to act with effort that leaves me emotionally exhausted, but it feels awkward and wrong like I am going against nature. The way my brain is hard wired is just that… hard wired. I have nothing to be ashamed of because I don’t like my personal space encroached upon or that I have never understood the benefits of things like pleasantries. If you ask me how I am for example, I’ll reply with some platitude but I won’t return the question… Why? Because really, I don’t think it’s ANY OF MY BUSINESS and it makes me uncomfortable asking. It’s incredibly awkward for me to ask about someone’s personal well being because it’s PERSONAL and I don’t like it when people ask me how I am, full well knowing when it’s just a pleasantry to which they probably don’t want an honest response, so why should I inflict something like that on others?

I’m not flawed for the way I think or feel, I’m just myself and the people who know me accept me the way I am, so what I really realized was that it was time that I accepted these parts of myself as well.

I’ve also accepted that what other people think of me isn’t any of my business, so if someone has an issue then actually, it’s their problem, not mine. I’m not perfect but I am a good person. I’m not going to worry about other peoples opinions or feel at all obligated to explain myself.

Though 2013 brought me a great deal of happiness and self discovery It’s also brought me one of the greatest sadness’s. I’ve lost many people over the years and it’s been especially difficult since I’ve been living in Scotland, not being able to afford to attend funerals or be with my family however, when I lost my Busha in June my heart broke. I’ve never mourned in my life the way I mourned for my Busha.

In September 2013 I found the strength to publish something that I never thought I could put into writing and I still can’t believe the overwhelming response it has generated in comments and private messages from absolute strangers. I am so proud of finding that strength.

In November 2013 I turned 30. It was a non event. I was spoiled with gifts but I still don’t understand why people make such a big deal of “milestone” birthdays, except when you hit 80. 80 is a big one. My husband fired up the grill as he does every year in the freezing cold and rain for my birthday and made me my first T-bone steak… it was amazing.

In December 2013 I had the opportunity to finally travel to the US and introduce my pride and joy to the people I love as well as the opportunity to meet new cousins. It was a very special time and it was far too short. That brings us right up to the middle of December when we missed our flight home due to spending 10 hours in traffic and had an adventure in New Jersey.

By New Years eve… I’d only just barely recovered from the jet lag which brings us to this very day in 2014, and today is a good day.

Happy (belated) New Year :)

From → Ramblings

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